Snow White (New Adventures)
1978 Marie Liljedahl
Two dashing country bumpkins-who are jackasses for sure but call themselves Jacks for short-are contemplating their lump of gold. They decide they will take it with them and cross the seven magic mountains. But alas, the gold is too heavy and after crossing one mountain they gladly exchange their fortune for a horse.
Now their kingdom is a horse, a stubborn steed who takes them pelt mell over countryside and forests alike. Dashing through the woods with the two Jacks hanging on for dear life, the horse accidentally knocks over a hunter who, at that moment, has Little Snow White in a most compromising position. Saved from a fate worse than death, Snow White is grateful and flees to make her way to her seven dwarfs. Little does she know that before she reaches safety all the forest animals under the disguise of enchanted princes will try to molest her.
The two Jacks realize that their horse is a drag and exchange the animal for a cow. At least, they reason,
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the cow wilt give them milk, butter and cheese everyday. Much to their consternation they discover they only know how to play with the cow's teats not how to milk them. They now exchange the cow for a pig. The pig, being stolen, only brings the Jacks more headaches. When they are offered a goose for the pig, they gladly seize the opportunity.
Naturally the goose leads the Jacks on a wild goose chase. They end up in a castle with Sleeping Beauty who, according to the legend, could only be awakened by a kiss and made beautiful once more by physical love. Distasteful as it is, the Jacks manage to kiss Sleeping Beauty, bringing her back to life. But bedding her is another story! Of course Sleeping Beauty's father knows a good thing when he sees it. He deftly palms his ugly daughter, along with a hundred geese, off on the two Jacks. That night in the moonlight woods, Sleeping Beauty tries to take the manhood of the two Jacks. Not knowing that one little poke would bring the girl back into a ravishing beauty, the Jacks flee in terror and unfortunately end up in a den of thieves.
The thieves, who are also cannibals, are notorious for violating young virgins before eating them alive. Their victim this night is none other than Cinderella whom they captured while she was picking blackberries. The Jacks let loose their geese who in turn fly into the lamps thus extinguishing them. In the darkness the robbers kill each other, arid Cinderella as well as the two Jacks escape.
In their wandering the two Jacks come into the domain of the evil witch who has served the wicked queen who wants to kill Snow White. The witch, whose specialty is turning girls into nightingales and locking boys into cages, is perplexed by these two young bumpkins. She finally decides to turn them into pigeons. It is a mistake.
As pigeons, the Jacks lead Cinderella to her Prince Charming, the evil queen to her joy boy, Joringel, who in turn finds the magic red flower which in turn brings Snow White a royal lover, Sleeping Beauty her beauty and the two Jacks their manliness. Filled with joy, the Jacks now want to sing like the knife-grinder. Eagerly they exchange their goose for a whetstone and grindstone. Try as they may, they can not sing. When their whetstone and grindstone accidentally fall into a well, their burdens are lifted and they sing with delight-a talent which is better than whistling in the dark and one especially useful for any man trying to make it with a maid in the woods.
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